Sometimes, even when I'm happy, that happiness is tinged with sadness.
But that's okay.
I'm not at war with my sadness.
I've accepted it.
I've befriended it.
I know I can't conquer it, but I can live with it. It's kind of like John and Sherlock. Sometimes, they want to kill each other. Sometimes they're good friends. Most of the time, Sherlock drives John crazy. But even in the worst of times, John can live with Sherlock. Literally.
I guess my head is 221b Baker's Street.
Or maybe it's the TARDIS. Bigger on the inside, and with a mind of it's own (even though it's my mind).
But things like Sherlock and Doctor Who--they help me. They take my sadness, and they turn it into something that isn't quite happiness, but isn't sad.
Hope, maybe?
I don't know. I'm not really depressed, and I'm DEFINITELY not emo or goth (though I do kinda like goth style). I'm just...just me. People can make fun of me for that all they want, but in the end, they can't beat me. And that...that thought doesn't make me happy, exactly, but...proud.
I don't really know what this post is about. I just felt like writing. Writing doesn't always make me feel better, but it lets my mind drift, lets it go wherever it pleases (again, like the TARDIS). I can go anywhere when I write. I can even go into my own soul (and that's one scary place to go).
I think I'm a good person. I care about everyone and everything. I believe everything deserves a chance to live--even ants and bugs. I believe that this planet is the most beautiful thing. Sometimes, I hate humans. I feel like we're here only to destroy, while other animals are here to help the world continue to exist (a far nobler cause). But then I think of all the people in the world every single one, and I think "what a beautiful thing. Look at these amazing, amazing people. Every one, living and breathing and hoping and loving. Forget the bad ones, forget the dull ones and the self-centered ones, there are good people in the world, and they are so, so beautiful." It's really, very humbling to think that way. And when I do think that way, my sadness goes away. It lifts from my mind, until nothing but a speck is left. And then, maybe I'm not really happy, but...again, filled with hope. There are better people out there. Better things. A better life.
I know my life is good. I have parents who care for me, and a smart mind, and good friends and family. I have talent as writer, even if that's hard for me to admit to myself. I know that. But still, sometimes it's hard. Sometimes I want something more. Something better. I want to see other worlds, other stars, other cultures and other peoples. People might say that my dreams are foolish and that I should concentrate on reality, but to me, this is reality. My dreams are reality. And that's what keeps me going. No one can take that away from me.
I love everyone and everything. And I hate everyone and everything. But I love the Doctor. I love Sherlock. I love my friends. I love my stories, and I love the stories of others. No matter how hard I hate, that will never ever change.
I love the world.
I hate the world.
You may not like it, but that's just me.
Deal with it.
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