Remember the time when almost all of my posts were about how bored I was? Remember how I promised to lighten up a bit and enjoy life? Well...that's not happening.
I guess the bright side to everything is that I'm not as sad as I used to be. But nothingness has replaced that sadness. And I don't know what's worse. Feeling sad sometimes and happy others, or feeling nothing at all. I feel numb. And I feel conflicted.
The thing about everything is that everything is only a matter of perspective. For example, what would you qualify as bullying? For myself, and many of my friends who have truly been bullied, we are unfazed by a rude comment or sarcastic banter. What we conciser bullying is when a person is being downright mean to another person, simply to get a reaction out of them--simply to make them cry. A few people I know, though, will take offense at anything. Most recently, a friend of mine was upset because she found out a boy lied down next to her while she was asleep at the Dance-a-thon. Even though the boy didn't even touch her, and was (probably) just trying to be sweet, she was very flustered and angry, and felt that this constituted as bullying and harassment. Ironically, this friend had been bullied before--but never in the way that she thought she was being bullied now. So even though most of us could see that what this boy did wasn't really bullying, we sympathized with her. We understood how she felt. Had it been us, we probably would have felt the same way. After all, none of us had been "sexually harassed," as this friend thought she had been. So we comforted her, knowing that she felt betrayed. It was all a matter of perspective.
I'll admit, even I can get worked up over "bullying" when I shouldn't--especially lately. Since my new school comes with the benefits of only a few bullies who have picked on me(and most of them left the school this school year), I'm not really used to being the victim anymore. So the other day, I got quite worried about what a classmate had said earlier that day--and I did not realize how silly I was being until I sorted it all out with a friend--and figured out that the classmate wasn't being mean at all.
But that's not the purpose of this post. Bullying is terrible, and definitely warrents a post of it's own, but for now, let me continue with my original intentions for this post.
You see, a little bit ago, when I was sad all the time, happiness was like an utterly calm spot at the center of the storm--blissfully peaceful and perfect. Attending the school dance, watching my favorite movie, even talking with my friends--the little nibbles of good seemed extraordinary in light of the bad. Now that I'm no longer very sad, I can't really enjoy the happiness in life--I just feel neutral all the time, even when I should be extremely happy.
Take today as an example. I had a few of my best friends over to watch The Adventures of Tintin (my favorite movie) with me. We had a great time, with lots of laughs. And that should have given me a source of happiness to feed off of AT LEAST for a day--right? But no. I was really happy for a bit--now I just feel normal again. Just...nothing.
What is going on? I don't understand it. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go to school, or see my friends, or write my stories. And it's not because I'm sad--it's just because it doesn't seem like it's worth it. I simply won't get the happiness out of those things that I used to get.
So, I sit here, bored. Bored out of my mind. I have a million things to do, but it feels like I have nothing to do. There are little things I can do to cheer myself up--like watching Doctor Who season 6 on Netflix (just came out!) or looking at comics on Equestria Daily, but those things only make me happy for a short amount of time, now. And as soon as it's over...things go back to normal.
I hate it when things are normal. Everything is so incredibly dull.
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